roller coaster

Wow, my emotions are so intense right now. I wouldn't have imagined it like this.

I keep thinking about how I'll post my update if it is a boy, or if it's a girl. And then I let my mind wander to what that moment in the room is going to be like when the doctor says "it's a..."

Amazing how wrapped up I am in that little detail. I've been thinking about it quite a bit for weeks, but suddenly today it's ALL I can think about. I have such mixed emotions about the whole thing.

Right now, in my daydreams she keeps saying, "it's a boy!" and I'm picturing how overjoyed we'll all be. And then I think, what if it's not a boy? What if it's a girl? I'll still be ecstatic, but I'll be sad for Darrell. I won't want to overdo the excitement then... and how fair is that? We've built up the desire for a boy so much that when I call/message people to let them know I'm afraid someone is going to respond with "awww... I'm sorry." And right now the thought of that is just unbearable. How could we say that about such a miracle?